Caregivers' reactions key in helping children grieve

Editor’s note: This is the first of a two-part series on helping children cope with death. Age birth to 6 is addressed

Successful grieving after the untimely death of a loved one is an extremely difficult task. We would like to tell our children that the world is fair and just, but it is not so. Adults and children alike must realize that painful things happen. It is impossible to live without hurt because no one is immune from danger.


Many things influence children’s views on death. Age, religious beliefs, cultural or ethnic values and their relationship to the deceased are important factors that affect their understanding. The reactions of the surviving parent or caregivers are of primary importance in determining how children will cope with death. Understanding how children conceptualize death within the context of their prospective age ranges may help parents and caregivers in coping with this process.



Infants can sense when something is amiss following the death of their primary caregiver. Although a death in the family may affect an infant, the absence of the mother causes a clear biological reaction. However, this can be remedied very quickly if another caregiver assumes primary responsibility for the infant’s care. Passing infants from caregiver to caregiver, however, may cause anxiety due to the fluctuation and inconsistency of care and is not recommended.



Older infants are beginning to see themselves as separate from their parents or caregivers, and this separation can be frightening. They can only experience the presence or absence of another and may grieve for a lost relationship through anger, crying, searching, lack of appetite and quiet resignation. Two-year-olds can feel grief and anxiety in their surroundings and will require frequent, large doses of tender loving care: holding, cuddling and stroking. Explanations of death are meaningless. What one does is far more important than what one says to a child this young.
At 4 to 6 years old, children also have a great need for physical nurturing and the security of knowing who will care for them. They are learning to express themselves verbally, but are most effective in expressing themselves through play. Although significant events such as birthdays, holidays and the first day of school are major milestones to young children, they tend to have a limited concept of time and space.



“Magical thinking” is an important characteristic of 4- to 6-year-old development. Children at this age are capable of a variety of fantasies based on something they have seen or heard, even though it was misunderstood. Viewed through their limited conception of time and death, bereaved children may expect the deceased to be alive again soon. It’s best to explain death in physical, concrete terms; for example, “His heart stopped beating and no one can make it start again. We won’t be seeing him move or talk any more.”
For children raised in traditions that believe in an afterlife, concepts such as heaven may be difficult for them to grasp. They will see a discrepancy between burial of the body and the description of “going home” or “going to heaven.” While the young child probably cannot grasp this idea, you might address the distinction, as “the part that we loved, the part that smiled, laughed and loved us, is the part that has gone to heaven.”



In the event that the deceased is cremated, don’t used the word “burned” in explaining this process. According to Carleton Kendrick, a family therapist in private practice, children may be told that “cremation means (the body was) put in a room that was very, very hot until (it) turned to soft, powdery ashes … Be very careful to make sure that (they) understand that their (loved one) was not hurt by this process.”



Invite children to be present at the funeral, memorial service or scattering of ashes. Although they should be encouraged to attend, children should never be forced. Likewise, they should not be required to view, kiss or touch the deceased, although it is perfectly all right if they wish to do so. It is important for children to say goodbye in their own way.

By Lois Harvick
For The Register-Guard
Appeared in print: Sunday, Feb 22, 2009, page E2